When someone you love has anxiety or OCD, you may find yourself often giving reassurance. This guide will give you specific steps to help your loved one stop reassurance seeking.
You might feel like you can’t give your loved one what they’re looking for when they ask questions. You might feel like your loved one is testing you, like they are looking for “the right answer.” Maybe you feel frustrated at times that they seem to be asking the same question over and over, not accepting your answer.
If you have this experience, you may be stuck in a reassurance seeking cycle. You can read more if you’re not sure if the reassurance is compulsive.
The following steps will help you find a way to support your loved one’s recovery from anxiety/OCD. You’ll learn tips for how to approach this change while also being kind and supportive along the way.
What is reassurance seeking?
Reassurance seeking is a behavior that people do when they feel anxious about an outcome. People often look for confirmation that a fear won’t come true in order to reduce their anxiety.
Reassurance seeking might look like:
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- asking the same question over and over
- asking questions that you’re not qualified to answer
- asking questions that you can’t answer (about the future, about an event you weren’t there for, etc.)
- refusing to accept your answer
- refusing to accept an answer that involves uncertainty
What is the problem with reassurance seeking?
Reassurance seeking is a problem because it prevents the person asking from learning to tolerate their own discomfort. It maintains a cycle of them relying on outside sources to relieve their anxiety. Each time someone feels better after receiving reassurance, they are more likely to seek it again in the future.
When reassurance is removed, it changes the cycle. It directs the person with anxiety to develop their own ways of coping with anxiety. It’s a band aid solution to a much bigger problem.
Reassurance seeking is also a bottomless pit. It is never enough. People will often ask the same question over and over or with slight changes, or ask later, or ask someone else.
Even if one instance is resolved through reassurance, another will inevitably pop up. This is a short term solution and only makes anxiety/OCD stronger.
How can I help my loved one stop reassurance seeking?
You have to stop providing reassurance.This needs to be done in a kind way. It also needs to be consistent.
When you stop providing reassurance, your loved one’s behavior might increase before it decreases.
For example, imagine you go to a vending machine every day for a snack. You will come to expect that if you put $1 in a vending machine you’ll get candy in return. If you put money in the machine and candy is not dispensed in return, there’s going to be an increase in your behaviors. You might push all the buttons, shake the machine, pound the machine, or shout. Eventually you’ll give up and address your hunger in a different way. When you stop giving reassurance to your loved one, they might increase their behaviors.
They might ask more intensely or with more desperation. It’s important that you’re consistent in not providing reassurance. Your loved one is learning to tolerate their distress. You may have to practice tolerating their distress as well.
In order for this strategy to work, you have to resist giving reassurance every time. If you give in even once or twice, it will not be effective. This is usually what’s happened when someone says decreasing reassurance seeking “didn’t work.”
Practice being kind but firm.
How should I help my loved one stop reassurance seeking?
First, let the person know you love them. Tell them that you want to support their recovery from OCD and that giving reassurance is keeping them stuck. Although it’s hard to see someone you love feel very uncomfortable, giving reassurance is moving them further from a place of recovery.
Second, be clear about the behavior you are going to change.
Third, let the person know in advance how you will be changing your behavior to help them stop reassurance seeking. If needed, you might space this out week by week. For example, having a week by week plan with one behavior you will stop each week
You might say something like:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about your anxiety/OCD, and I think my giving you reassurance is making things worse. I love you and I want to see you get through this. It’s hard for me to see you in distress, but I can’t keep giving into your anxiety/OCD. In the future when you ask me about X, I’m not going to answer.”
What should I say when my loved one asks for reassurance?
Working to help your loved one stop reassurance seeking doesn’t mean ignoring them or shutting them down. They likely need emotional support in a different way.
Ask them what would be helpful to hear instead. Some people want a reminder that reassurance seeking isn’t helpful or a prompt to use a different skill. Other people just want their distress recognized and a hug.
If you’re stuck, here are some suggestions on what to say:
I can’t answer that question while supporting your anxiety/OCD treatment.
I think you know the answer to that. I’m not going to answer.
We’ve talked about this and we agreed that I’m not going to answer questions like that.
What do you think?
I know this is a hard moment but I can’t answer that. What’s a different way I can support you right now?
Maybe X is true. How could you cope with that if it did happen?
Moving Forward
Helping your child, spouse, partner, parent or friend with their OCD is an important part of their recovery. Although it can be difficult at times, helping them stop reassurance seeking is an important part of treatment.
Learning to tolerate discomfort is a skill. It takes practice, repeatedly and consistently. You and your loved one are both learning to sit with anxiety without reassurance. Like any skill, tolerating anxiety will get easier with practice.
Communicating about the plan and maintaining a supportive environment are key to moving forward and getting to recovery.
If you need professional support, feel free to reach out to us for a free, 15-minute consultation.
